GUILT

Feeling guilty indicates that you are assuming responsibility for something you may or may not have done, caused, or had control over. Diane shares…

My husband offers a gentle reminder as I rant around the kitchen, trying to come up with a good excuse not to go running over to Mother’s house again. The calls are getting more frequent each day. I hear Pop say, “Come help me with your mother.”

Then, I stop and think for a moment. My husband’s words are true: When your mother was well, you couldn’t spend enough time with her. I ran by there almost every day because I enjoyed her so much. Now, it’s hard, very hard. Mentally, she’s not there any more. The reasons for going there are all different now, and it’s not fun any more.

With each day Mom’s confusion gets worse. Her morning times are best, and she sleeps a lot. As the day progresses, she begins to feel lost and confused. Then it seems that she becomes desperate to find whatever it is that she has lost. She wants to go home. I try to be patient with her as we gently try to distract her. Her frustration builds as we continually try to change the subject and get her to think about something besides “going home.”

Finally the rage breaks through, and she becomes impossible to reason with. By now it has been a long day, and I find myself losing my patience. I try to push back my own frustration because I know that this is the disease, but it’s very hard…especially when I know that tomorrow will bring a repeat of it all.

I go home after each trip beating myself up for the guilt I feel. She is my mother, and I love her beyond words. I pick up the phone to talk to one of my sisters, as it is calming to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. At least I know that they truly understand.

Valentine's Thoughts

Mom, Sweet Mom. How I love you! I want to tell you Happy Valentine’s Day, and you are the best mom in the whole world! How I wish you could read this today.

Oh, I know you can still call the words, but they don’t seem to stick together long enough to make a thought for you any more. Lately I’ve seen you with a section of the newspaper lying in your lap. You pick it up, read the headline aloud, make a brief comment, and lay the paper back down. About five minutes later you do the same thing, then again and again, for as long as we sit there.

I think of waiting until tomorrow, to post this on the real Valentine’s Day. Yet I know the distinction of days is no longer one of your strong points. A year and half ago, when we first met Dr. Tee, she asked you to tell her the day, month, and year. You weren’t able to answer her, so I rationalized that you were under too much pressure to be able to do it. Just sitting in her office seemed stressful enough, much less being asked to identify such specifics.

I know that I have trouble remembering what day it is sometimes during the summer when I have been home for a few days without doing anything special. When I am out of school, I don’t pay as much attention to time as when I am there, unless an important occasion is upcoming or something in particular calls my attention to the day or date.

Since that first day in Dr. Tee’s office, so much has changed! The calendar and the clock just no longer make any sense to you, do they? This past summer you gave me two birthday presents (one was before my birthday, and then you apologized for being late as you gave me the second present). You completely forgot the next two family birthdays in September and October. And about Christmas, well, I guess we will just say things were “confusing,” with so many people in the room and all….

I digress but now return to my original wish, and that is, “Happy Valentine’s Day to the world’s most wonderful mother! I love you with all my heart.”

Come to think of it, I guess it doesn’t really matter what day it is. Every day is a good day for saying, “I love you!” Last week when I took you that big Ghiradelli chocolate bar, I remember how your eyes lit up. You were your sweet kind self to offer it around the table, and you still ended up with two-thirds of the bar for yourself. Then you ate the whole thing! You appeared to enjoy every single bite! Happy Valentine’s Day—again and again. I’ll bring chocolate from now on, just to see you smile.

And to my reader family and friends, a reminder: every day is a real opportunity to share words of love, hugs, kind gestures, etc. Why should we wait to tell someone dear to us just how much they mean to us? We need to fill each day with love by inserting time into our schedules to appreciate those we love for all the little (and big) things they do, before time escapes us. Happy Valentine’s Day, today, tomorrow, and whatever day it is!