GUILT

Feeling guilty indicates that you are assuming responsibility for something you may or may not have done, caused, or had control over. Diane shares…

My husband offers a gentle reminder as I rant around the kitchen, trying to come up with a good excuse not to go running over to Mother’s house again. The calls are getting more frequent each day. I hear Pop say, “Come help me with your mother.”

Then, I stop and think for a moment. My husband’s words are true: When your mother was well, you couldn’t spend enough time with her. I ran by there almost every day because I enjoyed her so much. Now, it’s hard, very hard. Mentally, she’s not there any more. The reasons for going there are all different now, and it’s not fun any more.

With each day Mom’s confusion gets worse. Her morning times are best, and she sleeps a lot. As the day progresses, she begins to feel lost and confused. Then it seems that she becomes desperate to find whatever it is that she has lost. She wants to go home. I try to be patient with her as we gently try to distract her. Her frustration builds as we continually try to change the subject and get her to think about something besides “going home.”

Finally the rage breaks through, and she becomes impossible to reason with. By now it has been a long day, and I find myself losing my patience. I try to push back my own frustration because I know that this is the disease, but it’s very hard…especially when I know that tomorrow will bring a repeat of it all.

I go home after each trip beating myself up for the guilt I feel. She is my mother, and I love her beyond words. I pick up the phone to talk to one of my sisters, as it is calming to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. At least I know that they truly understand.